Drunks

True Stories

A drunk goes into an old south Georgia gas station and complains that he wants a stick or hook of some sort to get his jacket back he accidentally dropped down the hole in the outhouse.  The old Georgia Cracker asks him, “If it dropped down in the shit, why would you want it back?”  The drunk says, “Oh, hell, I don’t want the jacket.  I’ve got part of a 1/2 pint in the pocket!”

Too Fat to Fly

Airline Weight Limits

Today’s paper shows that the airlines industry is flirting more and more with charging passengers by weight, which has been a long time coming.

Airlines installed boxes into which carry-ons needed to fit, which passengers bitched about.  I may have missed other restrictions on sizes, but see now that seats have been reduced to a width of 17 inches, which is not going to be fun for the American air traveler.  Scientific study shows more diet commercials on television, and ever-more clever photography on the cover of Oprah magazine, so we’re headed straight up weight-wise as a nation.  

Big Boat, Little Boat

OK, How Will You Use It?

Written for Suncoast Fly Fishers' newsletter

Why people choose the boats they do is a mystery.  A friend recently asked me for advice about a family boat he could take his wife and little kids out in, do some water skiing, and maybe learn to fish.  I suggested that he look at a Grady White 20-23 foot bow-rider with a split windshield his wife could sit behind and not muss her hair, with bow seats forward for the kids, a nice captain’s chair for the helmsman and his wife, and a couple of back-to-back seats for friends.  He bought an entirely different style of boat, because, “a buddy of mine has one and I kind of like it.”  It won’t work well for him.

I was a boat dealer for years, and wasn’t surprised at all by his decision.  Like most boaters, he won’t use it much anyway, and it'll hang on his davits and collect bird poop.

Fly Casting and Kids

let 'em grow 

I just returned from a fancy weekend at a fly-fishing conclave complete with professional fly tyers demonstrating their skills, television stars--truly fishing experts-- telling fishing stories, and fly casting experts leading classroom and on-the-grass-fly casting lessons.

The setting was fun, a resort on the banks of Crystal River on the west coast of Florida.  It was a saltwater fly fishing event where long distance casting was promoted and the flies being tied were for fish like redfish, snook and sea trout.  In “the salt” anglers are often faced with casts beyond 60 feet.

The average age of the attendees was around 65, with one teenager in attendance, along with his dad for the father-son warmth of it all.  I didn’t see one kid under fifteen fly casting or in an indoors clinic.  

Southern Language

Tyler Perry’s stage name is Madea.  Oprah pronounces it like the word “media.”  It doesn’t come from Latin, Greek or anywhere other than American slang.

When we drove Evelyn home in the evenings after her work as the Fee’s housekeeper, her many children would rush to the car to welcome her home, calling out, “Ma deah, ma deah,” short for “mother dear.”

Also, a word of wisdom from Hop Bailey, a fine man, the Fee’s grove foreman for many years:  He’d ask us kids questions, and if we didn’t know the answer, Hop would say it was ok not to know, because, “If you don’t know you jes’ don’t know, and maybe you hadn’t ought to know.”

Ronnie and Poot

southern initiation

The idea was to welcome the new wife of our life-time friend into our family of Florida redneck outdoors people.  She was a Yankee, reported to have voted for Obama.  Our pal, Albert, had met her up in New York, and this was her first visit back to meet his pals.  She was said to be a sport who’d love us all.  We’d see about  that!

The Right Boat

rescues and such

Over the weekend, a 45’ boat with 30 people aboard sank near Miami’s Sea Aquarium.  Everyone was saved, including a dog.  The boat was probably certified by the Coast Guard to carry that many passengers, assuming it didn’t have a hole in its bottom.  Once it started taking on water and passengers began jumping off like rats, fearing the boat would turn over on top of them, it put a lot of people in the drink at one time.

The Coast Guard reported that the rescue was “an incredible effort,” by all sorts of boats.  Cue the video.  

Bathroom Hand Driers

take your own paper towels

At lunch a few weeks ago at a swanky on-the-ocean hotel in Vero Beach, I stopped by the mens’ room on the way to our poolside table.  No sooner had I entered the bathroom than I chose to beat a retreat, gasping, and arrived at the table before the rest of our party was seated.  The smell was unbearable in there!

I won’t go far off into Poopland on you here, but let me just say that in all my years I have never encountered such a ghastly odor, and that includes driving through Greeley, Colorado when the wind’s wrong.  The home of various rendering plants and feed lots and slaughter houses and meat processing plants, and standing acres of feces, the combined smells there are routinely beyond your imagination.  I wretched one morning in a goose blind five miles away, so powerful was the odor wafting across the fields .

That Vero Beach bathroom smelled worse than Greeley.

Golf Humor: Off-course Corrections

A lady golfer walks into the club bar after playing and a drunk at the bar asks, “How was your game?”  She responds, “Oh, it was terrible!  I got stung by a bee between the first and second holes.”  The drunk wants to help, says, “Ohhh, your stance is too wide.”

Hospital Care: They'll Hurt You

Yesterday Marcia, my wonderful wife, went to a local hospital for a routine gut inspection, the one where they anesthetize you and run a hose up there and take a look around.

Before the “procedure” Marcia spoke to the anesthesiologist about her history of having a difficult time coming out of anesthesia.  She explained that she’d need more time after the exam, to which the doctor replied, “Oh, you have nothing to worry about.  I will have you in lala land.”  He’s a physician from India, with good English, but a decided accent.  The doctor either didn’t understand her words of caution or ignored them.  Both, I think.

When the exam was over Marcia was wheeled out to a waiting area.  The anesthesiologist asked her a few questions, which she answered.  She said she was sitting, head down, in the wheelchair.  Satisfied she was ok, the doctor walked away, leaving Marcia near two nurses.  He liked the way she slumped, I reckon.